This morning is rough, I'm not even sure if I have the words to do this. This is very personal, in a different and much more revealing way than the other ones. But I don't always have the best time expressing my feelings when I say them, so I'm gonna try writing them instead.
As the title suggests, tragedy has struck my life. Even saying that sounds so dramatic and rehearsed. I could say that I am devastated, heartbroken, at a loss, confused, shattered, or all of the above. It would all be accurate. I'm not going to go into detail, I will simply just say that I have lost a dear, dear friend. They were family.
It's not the first time I've lost a loved one, but it doesn't make it any easier. And I know I'm not the only one affected by this tragedy, which is why I'm not going to go into detail or reveal names, no one needs to get bombarded at a time like this.
I don't even know how I'm supposed to process this. What do you do when someone you love and someone you've spent your whole life knowing is suddenly not going to be a part of it anymore? There's a void that is just indescribable. When they are far away, you almost try to convince yourself that it's not real, that they're not really gone. You want to text them or call them and hear their voice tell you that it was all some big mistake.
But I can't. I just can't even describe this kind of hurt. My heart just feels heavy and I know that if I feel this way, I can't even imagine what others are feeling or thinking. I ask that you pray for them. That's all I can think to do.
I'm not even really sure what to do. On one hand, how can I be joyful or feel happy in my life when this person is gone? But on the other hand, it's a scary reminder that life is so fleeting and short. And wouldn't it be honoring them to live my life to the fullest with no regrets when they dedicated their life to helping others?
And here comes the big question: how do you keep your faith when something like this happens? You ask God "How could you let this happen? Why didn't you tell me it would? Why would you put so many people through this?" But then you wonder if He is just as heartbroken?
The bible tells us that Jesus did weep. He understands our sadness and our grief when we lose a loved one. Mary understands it too because not only did she just hear that her son had died, but she watched his cruel and gruesome death all the way to the end. For me, she is the perfect one to go to in times like these.
And it doesn't have to be some big, long prayer that pours your heart out in order to explain it to her. She knows what's on your heart. I don't even have to leave my home. I can fall to my knees and just cry. I don't have to say anything. I don't have to do anything. Mama Mary, help me. Jesus, help me.
I don't think I can say anymore. This one is definitely gonna be shorter than the other ones. I'm not gonna put anything up on social media to let you know this up because it just doesn't feel right. I just had to write this out to let myself feel and process everything.